Control

 Control
Baltimore Running Festival-  26.2
4:22:41

There is a big difference between taking control of your life and controlling everything that happens in your life, but I think sometimes we get them mixed up (or I do).   Taking control is a healthy way of reacting to life and the obstacles that are thrown at you.  It’s your attitude, and you have complete and total control over that.  What you can’t control is what happens to you, you can plan for something to happen, but it doesn’t mean obstacles won’t be thrown your way and you have to be open for the unknown to happen.

I think I have been getting a little too comfortable with my races so Baltimore was a good race to remind me A+B doesn’t always equal C.  I have run so many marathons, I have decided all I have to do is keep conditioned and you can make it through- as I have been doing for pretty much the past five years with decent for me times.

I booked this marathon and trip 2 weeks prior to the race, but had many long runs all throughout the summer.  They weren’t always fast, they weren’t always strong, but I figured as long as I put in the miles, mix some speed workouts in there, and cross train, this would be a sub 4 hour marathon – easy.  I thought I had control over my time given the consistent (though it has become almost effortless) training I put in.

The week of the Baltimore marathon, I started getting sick on Monday.  Nothing new here… typical taper.  Luckily I had some time to get over it.   It's the usual: fluids, rest and zinc.   I felt almost 100% when I flew to DC on Wednesday really only being congested as my ears popped and hurt a lot on the flight.
One determining factor to run Maryland this fall was to see my friend Jen.   I hope to be able to maximize those little states and close borders to DC to visit her as much as I possibly can.  So while there were prettier Maryland trail runs, Baltimore is super easy and convenient to make it also a Tanana Family trip.

On Friday Jen and I drove to Baltimore.   Jen is such a wonderful friend, she isn't a runner, but she supports me in the greatest of ways.  We go to the expo, and she loves it, asking all sorts of questions because she wants to understand this part of my life.   We have always had that kind of friendship where we don't need to do anything to have a good time... But just being together makes everything a good time (even the hardships are conquered with a laugh!). So after the expo we just hung out in the hotel.    Did I mention ... It rained Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...  It was fine by us!

I was having some piriformis/sciatic issues over the taper, so I was focused on trying to get as comfortable with that as possible.    While I know these issues suck, I also know how to remedy myself from them and that it's more painful walking than running so it wasn't a big worry, just something I want to remedy sooner rather than later.

I woke up at 6am on race day which felt like sleeping in!    I drank my fluids, had my coffee, and stretched ... A lot!   I had been up in the air on what to wear given the weather and decided no rain jacket was needed.   60s at race start and throughout the race ... A throw away was really all I needed beyond a tank and shorts.  Jen would check us out of the hotel while I was running (they gave us keys to the health club to shower after) so I made sure all was packed for her to do that.

I left the hotel and walked to the start.  The start was a crazy cluster ... There wasn't enough room for all runners to fit in the coral so we were bleeding over mixed with the spectators.    But we made it on the course.   I knew the first 3 miles would be an incline and the next 5 would be a gradual decline.  Because of this, I knew my warm up wouldn't be about a specific speed, but rather, how I felt (maybe no heart rate monitor but that might not be a bad idea for next time even if it chaffs).  The first three miles were between 8:30 and 9:00 and the next 5 were all under 8:30 but only once quicker than an 8 minute.  This seemed fine at the time.  But then we leveled off, and I was reminded of how I felt when I 'felt good' on the first many miles of Boston going downhill but then how the second half of the marathon did not feel good at all.  I started thinking maybe that wasn't such a good idea but what's done is done, and I could slow down in the middle to regain some strength that would work great.    Even what felt slow was still clicking in less than 9 minute miles.   At the half Marathon mark, I had 20 minutes to slow down in the second half to still be under 4 hours.  This was right on track to most of the last 15 marathons.

Somewhere after mile 13 before 14, I had already began walking.   I walked to take a gu and change up my music.  Then, already, it became a mile by mile thing.   Run a full mile then walk a minute.   I was doing this hoping that after a mile or two, I would have the looming cramps worked out.... Running relaxed and walking when I wasn't relaxed to become relaxed again (because too much tension for too long results in spasms).   I thought if I could keep relaxed and keep myself energized with what I consumed, I could fight through the cramps and be okay.  

With all the cramping, I was gu-ing more frequently and making sure I was drinking at least 2 cups of Gatorade at each aid station (and 1-2 cups of water).  I didn't have my electrolyte pills with me and thought this was fine given the weather and the fact the course was supplying the Gatorade endurance formula drink which is finally a drink with what is supposed to be enough electrolytes for marathoners (Normal Gatorade does not have enough).

Before I hit the water around mile 18, I remembered I had with me some powder of a natural energy drink which is supposed to give you a boost of energy for a strong workout.  I had never tried this before, but heard good things, and figured at that point, it couldn’t do harm. Though I know you should never try new things at a marathon, I break this rule all the time. ( I still don’t know if it could have been the culprit because if it was, it didn’t take long to cause problems.)  When I tried to run again ... I could make it 3 steps before stopping because of cramps.   And when I say cramps I mean spasms where you don't have control.  I would walk for 30 seconds, and try again.  I did this about 5 times before I gave up ... And stopped to stretch.   I'm off to the side as I start stretching and just on the inside of my left knee ... There is a pop... Like a spasm that then popped ... I hear it, I saw it since I was in a forward fold, and I definitely felt it.   It wasn't a muscle snapping I knew that ... The feeling was more like a gas bubble in your tummy so I figured it was just an intense lactic acid bubble.   I decided I better just walk a bit more.   I already knew sub 4 wasn't going to happen unless I could hold an 8:50 or better all the way through the rest of the run so I figured I better make sure I get to the finish injury free and walk a lot more.

BUT ... As Correen says, we are endurance people, we don't give up so easily…

As we started to go downhill again, I decided to try to run again, and I did for maybe a minute or until we went back uphill and I was back to a walk.   I don't remember if that was a walk in my control or my body forced me to walk, but what happened next, I had no control over.

I was over on the left side walking as I passed a cop, I saw another ahead, so I decided to make it a goal to run from one cop to the other.  A few steps passed the cop, all at one time I had about a few different spasms that locked into place.    My left leg was bent slightly, my right leg was straight and right foot completely flexed, and on top of that- my stomach pulled me in and down like a forward fold.  Somehow I didn’t fall but I couldn’t move- I was like a statue- my arms were mobile as I was keeping myself up with them.   I was talking to myself to relax, just breath, but I couldn’t move.  I raised my right hand trying to wave to the cop behind me but I couldn’t see him and didn’t know if he could see me and as I did that I was thinking- if I can’t move and someone has to help me move, they are going to pull me and throw me in a medic tent- and that is NOT going to happen.     So…I somehow started to lift my upper body back up to stand upright (while my legs were still locked)  As I did this the muscles in my stomach did some crazy thing that I can only describe as an exorcism kind of thing or a baby in my belly kicking.   This freaked me out and put me to tears and slowly I was able to move my legs again.  

There was a little hyperventilating and I kept thinking is I’m not going to DNF even if it means walk the last 7 miles.   I thought – can I really walk for 7 miles with this feeling?  Have I ever had a freak out in a marathon this bad? 
 And that’s when- my marathon prayers were answered. (Yes I pray a lot in marathons- you know those moments where you say “Please God, just let me keep control of my legs and keep relaxed so they don’t spasm so I can make it under 4 hours so I don’t have to feel that I’ve aged and the best years are behind me”)   However, you know when you were a kid and you would ask for some cool toy and then all you got was clothes?  Prayers are often answered like that.   I wasn’t getting a cramp free sub 4 hour marathon, but I was given a “guardian angel”, Vanessa …a new friend.  To remind me I had control over my attitude (and that in the first 10 minutes of meeting me she could tell I was very hard on myself), that this race doesn’t define me, to give me a hand, to show I wasn’t out there alone and if I cramped up again and fell to the ground, I wouldn’t become road kill.  And most of all,  the race was no longer about how many miles you had to get through and how fast you could do it in.  It was about making a new friend, about sharing stories and laughing and having fun- the way marathons …and Life should be.

Vanessa was running the half marathon, which we merged at my mile 16 as they started 2 hours after we started.  She has run this race before, so when we got to this lake, she told me it was 1.3 miles around the lake so I should just focus getting around it.   She encouraged me to run, though didn’t pressure when I was scared.   And I was scared.  I worried if the first time I stopped and there was a pop in my leg, then the second time I spasmed like I did, I didn’t think I should wait around to see me in the medic tent with a third time.    She took my hand and let me lean on her to try to run, and we would stop, and stretch and maybe a bit later, we would try again.   I worried she wanted to run ahead and I told her she could, but she said she would stick with me around the lake.   We were having a good time talking that I thought- I should just try to get running by the end of the lake so I can run with someone so awesome.   And sure enough, by the end of the lake I was running, and somewhere after that, I was running without the crutch of her hand, but we stuck together to the end.  We shared stories, and I had a lot of reflecting in this time about control.     And somehow being able to control my attitude- not by forcing a relaxed state but enjoying myself, I was also eventually able to naturally regain control over my body.  

I made it to the finish, and still right after reflecting on what happened, I cried.  I don’t know what happened and even though Vanessa told me to not let it define me, I worried this would be it; I will never have another PR or even come close to my PR again.  But with time, I have come to the conclusion this isn’t an age thing, this isn’t that my best years are behind me.  I was given some wise words of wisdom:  “Over the years of training, our bodies change and throw different obstacles at us.  It’s how we overcome them and make ourselves better…go back to the drawing board and come back stronger” …He is very right.    I am going to change some things up and the next marathon actually start off slower and just try to end feeling strong- the way you feel at mile 26.2 of a 100 mile run! 

And from here on out- I hope to let go a little more and not try to control everything so much- well other than my own attitude.

***Ironically– the morning of the race as I was stretching I was playing on my phone as I always do. Though I don't really believe in horoscopes, they are entertaining, so I was playing around on one of the Aps Pam shared with me (DailyHoroscope) and found my 2013 Horoscope.
Part of it reads:
You are a shy and modest sign, Virgo. You are also quite practical, perfectionist, and methodical. You probably live by the saying "everything in moderation." And while these traits have contributed and will continue to contribute to your success financially and in business, they can have a negative impact in your personal relationships. This year you will need to learn how to find greater balance in your life. You have to learn to indulge now and then, because everybody needs to immerse themselves in passionate pursuits. In other words, you need to ease your grip on the reins in 2013, and try not to be as controlling, as critical, and as harsh as you have been in the past. Loosen up, and you'll feel happier far more often.

Yup, that pretty much sums up ‘me in 2013’!  All I needed to do was loosen up.