Tears Shed, but my Passion is Stronger than Ever

Tears Shed, but my Passion is Stronger than Ever

We have had many tragic events take place in our Country by terrorism and by people who should have had medical attention long before they were able to take their issues to the level they had taken them.    Sometimes at the increasing rate they have been occurring, you would think we would be growing numb as they happen.  But every time I still get sad.   

With the Boston Marathon Explosion, I didn’t just get a little sad, I was devastated.   I did not know anyone personally who was hurt or killed but the running community is my family.  Marathons are a part of who I am and what I do.    When I first heard of it happening, they said it happened five hours into the race.  I hoped at least runners of Boston are fast runners so maybe nobody was harmed and it just startled people.   Then I turned on the news and they showed the explosion with the time clock in the picture, when I saw 4:09 on that clock, I started to panic a little.  You start recounting, who do I know that ran the marathon?  What were their finish times?  Who were they with?  When they finished are they people to stick around or people to go to a bar?   

Having completed the Boston Marathon myself two years ago, I just remembered how crowded the finish was and was trying to calculate exactly where people I know would go.   We met up on a side street where it was a little less crowded, and I hoped all my friends would do the same.

Once I saw on facebook that people were checking in and OK, that all CARA runners were OK, I still wasn’t relieved, instead I just kept watching the news and the explosion repeated over and over again, the blood stained streets.   People were hurt/killed- these people are my family, whether or not I knew them, they were Marathoners and Spectators- they were killed.   My first tears were shed for my fellow runners.

It’s only natural to think, had this been 2011, would my family have been safe?   My parents are my biggest fans; they follow me to all my big races.  I worry about them on all the races they join.   I can be running 100 miles with tornadoes around me and that doesn’t scare me, but when my parents are driving in the same conditions just to support me, I’m scared.

I don’t run marathons for anyone else but me.  I will admit, it’s a completely selfish thing.  It’s my endurance fix, I love accomplishing the goals I set out for myself.  While I don’t do it for my parents, they have tried to learn and understand what it is about it that makes me want to do it.  They have never questioned what I do as being so extreme that it’s unhealthy; rather, they are by my side every step of the way supporting my selfish addiction.  And because of their support, every race has become more meaningful.   

So, as I started to think of where my parents were as I crossed the finish line even if it was 2 years and 20 minutes before the explosion…I shed more tears.   For my parents, who weren’t there then, but for the thought of how easily their lives could be taken from me, just by them supporting me.
 

When they announced six people received on the spot amputations for their injuries, more tears flowed.  I can’t imagine how that moment, could forever change so many people’s lives.  The thought they were runners and now they won’t be able to run anymore, or the thought that they were parents, children or spouses of those running.

I started to receive texts from old coworkers, friends and e-mails from family I haven’t talked to in awhile.  All people who know I run, that I support my friends who run, and know how I love the Boston Marathon.   They were checking in to make sure I wasn’t there.  More tears flowed, for all those people who were injured or killed, as they might have e-mails like the ones I had sitting in their inbox and they couldn’t respond like I could.

I was and am angered by whoever did this.  I understand their target- a lot of people in one place, the media all there, in a city that celebrates Patriots day.   I don’t fully understand and in no way do I agree with whatever message they were trying to send or attention they were trying to receive, but media has made it so easy for them to locate their target.  

I had to teach my Monday Night Spin Class which was a little tough.  My eyes were puffy and red, the silence in my car made me cry even more.  I was so out of it- I kept looking at my class notes and was unable to process them.   I put on my Boston Marathon Shirt to show my support.  I decided to make our warm up song be my song title for Boston.   I made the class our time to be away from the news and media- all the sadness being spread and rather emphasized it was our time to celebrate the moment we had to be in that room- to work off our emotions, to celebrate our accomplishments and to share with them my happy memories of the Boston Marathon.

Once I got home, I was sucked back into the media, and I mistakenly watched a ‘raw’ video of it all.  This made it difficult for me to sleep.   There were more tears when I would replay in my head the sounds from that video.

When I learned a little boy had been killed, before we knew his father was out in the race or his mother and sister’s injuries, I could just picture it.   His father, being stopped, told he couldn’t finish but not understanding how it would change his life forever.   This thought actually haunted me as I texted my friend Cheryl and my thoughts made her cry (I’m sorry).  More tears- I decided I wanted to be closer to my family so …I didn’t sleep at my ‘place’ …I slept upstairs.

As I was falling asleep my head ached from all the tears shed.  My heart ached for the running community.  I had to think of happy thoughts including my weekend fun with my old dance friends just to keep my mind busy enough to drown out the thoughts of what happened.  I luckily was able to sleep without any bad dreams once I fell asleep.

Waking up wasn’t so bad, but the drive to teach spin it was all over the radio again.   So many powerful words.  While the media can play a huge role in these events spreading like wildfire, they also can spread all the positive.  They can help us turn the bad to good.

 So many people in Boston, taking people into their homes as the city went on lockdown.  So many people who ran towards the explosion to help.  Facebook that whole time made me feel a little less helpless as people checked in that they were okay, and others posted more positive notes about the tragic events.

As I got on the treadmill for my run with Maddy’s class, I was tired.  I had taught a class for an hour and a half and I was ready to take the tread class easy.  But then Maddy said, let’s dedicate this class to the Boston Marathon- and then I started thinking- why take it easy?  Why go slow- when I still have 24 states to run in.  I have more PRs to be had, and maybe if I work hard enough in the next year (starting with that tread class), I can be one of the many runners to face Boston next year.   Running Boston next year is like looking the person who did this in the eye and giving them disappointment because they didn’t get what they wanted- they don’t get our fear.     There is no reason to stop living our lives because of these tragic events; rather, it gives us more reason to live life more.   If you have a gift or ability or maybe just a desire- don’t waste it.  You never know when your life will change or end.

My friend Rachel said, maybe we just need to be more kind, we need more love- to spread – to somehow reverse the trend of all these tragic events.    There might be some calculation to reverse the trend- I’m not giving up hope that this is just going to be the trend. 
 Loving those around you + Not letting evil win + a fix in the media + recognizing when someone needs psychological help = The current trend times 0..heck I’d even take that to = the square root of the current trend!

The person or group that did this, might have gotten my tears, but they shouldn’t feel so special- I am just an empathetic person, and I might just cry a lot.   They won’t take away my passion and love for marathons.  And actually, they might have just ignited a new flame/a new reason to keep doing it.  

…I blog as a way to get out my emotions of this event-  And I have read others that share my sentiment but have had a way of writing that touch my heart.
My favorite, where I feel like it could have been me writing it is:

http://afoodiestaysfit.com/2013/04/boston-the-bond-of-runners/

And for my happy memory of Boston-  you can read “Take your Passion and Make it Happen- What a feeling!”